A naval interceptor rocket accidentally targeted and blew up the returning Jesus Christ during a morning test over the Pacific, setting off some kind of retaliatory offensive by the host of heaven.
General Jason Gruntsworthy, head of the Anti-ballistic Missile Shield program, declined comment at first, then said "God, what a mess."
“On our screens, Jesus looked suspiciously like a Chinese MIRV-9 nucular missile, which is frankly an easy mistake to make. The real surprise is that we actually hit something.”
Following the explosion, burning radioactive pieces of Jesus rained down over a wide area of the western seaboard, causing spot fires and random miracles. NASA has asked that the debris not be touched or collected as souvenirs.
While the General described the situation as unfortunate, he remained optimistic. “We do apologize for the collateral and spiritual damage this has caused, but we would like to point out that in the War on Terror, you can't take risks. And hey, it finally works!”
More here from the Wittenburg Door. What the Onion might look like if run by good-humored descendants of long-haired Jesus types. Joe Bob Briggs, the host of the now-defunct, MonsterVision (the Mystery Science Theater 3000 for the trailer park set) is a contributor.
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1 comment:
Dean,
Thanks for introducing me to the Wittenburg Door. It is very astounding and interesting.
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