Showing posts with label Iowahawk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Iowahawk. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Smack of the day

Ordinarily, we would just link you to the piece right away but we decided to cut'n'paste first vast swaths of his verbage because it's just too doggone important. Besides, we don't trust you.


But Congressman Weiner then retreated from the sinister hacking line, and protested that all this fuss about a mere “prank” involving a “randy photo” (his words) was an “unfortunate distraction” from real issues like raising the debt ceiling. Like Bill Clinton in the Nineties, Rep Weiner needs to “get back to work for the American people.”

It’s the political class doing all this relentless “work for the American people” that’s turned this country into the brokest nation in the history of the planet, killed the American Dream, and left the American people headed for a future poised somewhere between the Weimar Republic and Mad Max. So, if it’s a choice between politicians getting back to work for the American people or tweeting their privates round the planet, I say, tweet on, MacDuff. Tough on our young college ladies. But, as Queen Victoria advised her daughter on her wedding night, lie back and think of England. Download and think of America.

. . .



Between Occam’s Razor (it’s Weiner’s junk, and he tweeted it) and Occam’s Lip-Syncher (the ghost-tweeter did it) lies a third possibility — that the tweets aren’t by Weiner but the Twitpic crotch shot to the cute co-ed is. The republic’s “citizen-legislators” do hardly anything for themselves these days, starting with reading the thousand-page legislation they cheerily pass, but if they can’t even perform their own sex scandals there really is no point to them. For the last quarter of 2010, Weiner listed 19 staffers, a few with highly specific job descriptions (“Deputy Director of Immigration Affairs”) but most with the kind of blandly nebulous titles (“Staff Assistant”) that could cover almost anything, including in-house ghost-tweeting. For the sake of argument, let us take it as read that American men are e-mailing their genitals across the fruited plain all day long, and that in the nature of these things one or two attachments go awry and wind up in the inbox of the elderly spinster who runs the quilting bee and you have to make a rather sheepish apology. Congressmen are among the few in this land who, in such a situation, can breezily say, as Weiner did to CNN’s Dana Bash, “You have statements that my office has put out.” Herein lies the full horror of American politics in the death throes of the republic: A congressman has nothing better to do of an evening than tweet his crotch to coeds, but he requires an “office” with “staffers” to “put out” “statements” on the subject.


When Weiners have staffers, it’s very difficult to have limited government: You cannot have a small state run by big Weiners. If you require an “office” to issue “statements” about your tweets, it’s hardly surprising you’re indifferent to statist bloat elsewhere.



Let's see... P.J. O'Rourke, Iowahawk and Mark Steyn. Yeah, that about covers it.

Monday, March 7, 2011

And where a blogger rolls a NYT columnist by over two touchdowns

Please pardon this brief departure from my normal folderol, but every so often a member of the chattering class issues a nugget of stupidity so egregious that no amount of mockery will suffice. Particularly when the issuer of said stupidity holds a Nobel Prize.

Iowahawk has more of this Big 12 vs. Big 10 trouncing, here.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Hillbilly stunts...

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... and just a cheap excuse to have you check out Iowahawk's Man and Woman Women of the year.

Go here.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Hidden anti-Harvard bias exposed

Just when you think he might be slowing down a tad, he strikes back with a vengeance.

Despite her underprivileged background Professor Kagan rose to the challenge and graduated magna cum laude, an honor reserved for the top 89% of Harvard Law alumni. Although her diploma fully qualified her for any conceivable position in the known Asshole universe, she took her first paying job in the charitable sector -- teaching at the University of Chicago Law School, a lonely academic legal bullshit outpost in the harsh intellectual wilderness of the American Midwest. Her Asshole missionary work and softball skills quickly drew the attention of then-President Bill Clinton who, despite his Yale degree, was wise enough to see that she had 'the right stuff' to serve as his Assistant Deputy White House Under-Under Subsecretary for Minority Elderly Women's Domestic Pet Policy. Her leadership in that critical office was nothing short of revolutionary, increasing its bullshit report output by 15% while introducing colorful pie charts. From there she made a triumphant return to Harvard Law as a fully tenured faculty Asshole, eventually rising to Dean of Assholes where she introduced important reforms such as free student lounge coffee and banning the U.S. military war machine from campus. It thus came as little surprise that she was tapped by fellow Harvard Asshole Barack Obama to serve as his Solicitor General and Supreme Court nominee.


We rest easier at night knowing Iowahawk is on the job.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Special guest feature


For a little more post-game analysis of the Hail Mary Coakley v. Brown Massachusett(e)s miracle we turn it over to…. Coakley’s housekeeper?

When I am getting back, I am surprise to see Senora Coakley very happy. "Oh Rosa, oh Rosa!" she say. "El Presidente is coming for to campaign rallies for me! We are save! We are going to the Washington!"

In the next days Senora Coakley and her campaign peoples are very excited to prepare for El Presidente and for to make the attack ads. It is very busy in the house and I am try to make sure there are enough ashtrays for El Presidente, but the attack ad people keep to ask me, "Rosa! How do you spell Massachusettes?"

But when Senora Coakley and the people are come back from the rally with El Presidente, they are all being very quiet with the angry looks. The next days before the election days the house is like the funeraria, and all of the people are making the updating resumes on the computers. Senora Coakley is alone in the kitchen practicing the smiles and throwing the Ben and Jerrys.


Get some more, here.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Today's threat level brought to you by the color...


Yesterday while I was lying in the burn ward getting my crotch bandages changed, I had a chance to catch the air disaster movie marathon on TCM. The lineup included "Zero Hour," "The High and the Mighty," "Skyjacked," and "Airport '75." For all their campy fun and unintentional laughs, those corny old films really serve as a grim reminder how the whole in-flight terror experience has gone completely downhill since the jet set golden years of the 50's, 60's and 70's.

What happened to all those pretty stewardesses and polite, well dressed infidels, screaming as the plane plummeted to the ground? Time was, a suicide mission to explode an international jumbo jet was an event full of glamor and excitement; but now it seems to be a endless series of delays, hassles, pushy jerks and third-degree testicular chemical burns. And don't even get me started on the crappy airline food.

More of Umar's random thoughts on Holiday air travel here.




And this from Hitch'

It was reported over the weekend that in the aftermath of the Detroit fiasco, no official decision was made about whether to raise the designated "threat level" from orange. Orange! Could this possibly be because it would be panicky and ridiculous to change it to red and really, really absurd to lower it to yellow? But isn't it just as preposterous (and revealing), immediately after a known Muslim extremist has waltzed through every flimsy barrier, to leave it just where it was the day before?

Sunday, December 6, 2009

With friends like us.... (UPDATED)


From the comments, B-Daddy advised Krauthammer to stick with the straight stuff and leave the shtick to Iowahawk. Yep...

Anyhoo, after receiving General McChrystal's request, I carefully reviewed and focus tested it with some of the top military strategist of DailyKos and HuffingtonPost. As an alternative, they suggested sending a special force of 200 diversity-trained surrender consultants. After several months of careful deliberation, polling, and strategic golfing, I told the General I would provide him a force of 30,000, which is fully 75% of a 110% commitment.

Now let's think about that. When you multiply it out, that's... let's see... that's almost an 83% total commitment to mission success! And son, back at Harvard Law that's what we called a "solid B." Not only that, I also pledged to provide you with all the healthy snacks and juice boxes you will need until the designated 5:30 pickup time. As an extra bonus to help you out, I secured a commitment of 10,000 additional special troops from our European allies. In fact, I think I see one of them in the back seat -- there in the blue bicycle helmet. What's your name son?

Pierre? That's... okay... okay, Pierre, please stop crying. Yes, I promised Mr. Sarkozy you'll be home soon.




(UPDATE #1): So how is the Taliban like George Washington? B-Daddy has the details, here.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Thar's grant money in them thar sock drawers.


Get yourself on over to Iowahawk's place to vote on who will win that $33.18.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A match made in Heaven?

U.S. Government Unveils Health Care Partnership With God Inc.

WASHINGTON (Iowahawk Business PR Wire) -- U.S. Government CEO Barack Obama announced today that his firm had embarked on a new joint venture with metaphysical industrial giant God, saying that "We are God’s partners in matters of life and death."

"This partnership is a natural," said Obama. "We both are unfathomably large, we both control people's lives, we both work in mysterious ways, we both have a fanatical customer base. Instead of competing, it just made basic business sense to work together to become the premier developer of mission critical life-and-death operating systems."

"I believe this exciting health care partnership opportunity with the Almighty will be every bit as successful as our previous peace partnerships in the Middle East, and will pave the way for an eventual merger," said Obama. No date has been set for Government-God merger plans, but the FTC has signalled it would give quick approval.

To finance the project, Obama said US Government would seek US$2 trillion in a 103rd round of involuntary venture capital.


More here from the ‘Hawk.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Party of 9

Well, it figures that Sonia Sotomayor will be confirmed to the highest court in the land and since she revealed little of herself during her confirmation hearings, what exactly will she be bringing to the party? Let’s just let the judge speak for herself.

I believe jurisprudence, like cooking, requires many ingredients to make a satisfying meal. In Latina culture we love menudo, the delicious spicy sopa made from simple ingredients. Think of the Constitution as our base ingredient: a bland, tasteless broth of boiled white tripe. Doesn't sound so tempting, does it? Now here's where the fun comes in: all of the cooks gather in the cocina and bring their own special secret ingredients to the mix. Souter salts the pot and Roberts adds Wonder Bread and mayonnaise; Breyer the lox and cream cheese. Thomas drops in fried chicken, and Alito and Scalia spaghetti. Now here comes Kennedy with corned beef and potatoes. Stevens adds the Metamucil. Now we're cooking! Finally, I stir in my special picante blend of Latina legal spices. What started as a boring simple broth is now a delicious crazy justice stew -- that tastes different every time!


Read more here

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Special Announcement


So, what were we saying about the incestuous and inbred nature of this country’s power structure that has been at the very core of the mess in which we now reside?

I guess for me there are two interesting aspects of the story. The first is how thorny it's been for Treasury to bring in people to help fix the financial mess. They've had to grant waivers over various lobbying restrictions, and they've been at pains to find people with the expertise to fix the mess that we're in but who were not themselves part of the mess. That's a small applicant pool. Leaving aside the merits of the Cuomo investigation, it's likely to make that pool even smaller.


That from Marc Ambinder of the Atlantic on the resignation of the Car Czar, Steve Rattner.

So, in order to get as far outside that proverbial little box as humanly possible, Beers with Demo officially endorses Iowahawk as the new Car Czar.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Image of the Day

Yes, it's photo-shopped but it's pretty cool just the same.

Hey, anyone up for more "vigorous debate" on the subject of the recent Iranian elections?

From the University of Tehran, Iowahawk presents the Collegiate Debate Bowl... mullah-style, here.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Your obligatory buxom opponent of gay marriage state of the union update


Suckers for blondes...? Sure. But it was this beauty that had our hearts a-racin'.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Video of the Day



While you all are yukking it up and basking in the undeniable genius that is Iowahawk, let's remember how it is we got here. Cast your gaze across the aisle and recall who it was that didn't uphold their end of the bargain. Enjoy!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Extra Awesome, indeed!!!

Us? We're just glad retard jokes are back on the table.





Dear Barry:
Our 12 year old son Tyler is developmentally disabled. Tyler's learning center has a Special Olympics program and we (along with his teachers) have been encouraging him to participate. Every time we bring it up to him, however, Tyler pushes back and becomes very withdrawn. We love Tyler very much and don't want to force him into it, but we think the Special Olympics would be a terrific experience and help him conquer his shyness and introversion. Do you have any suggestions for helping him get past this fear?
Jean and Ted in Westmont


Dear Jean and Ted:
As you know I am a big fan of the Special Olympics program, and all the good things it does for young Mongoloid-Americans like your son. Nothing inspires more than the sight of these heroic young tards hilariously giving it their all in the arena of friendly athletic competition. Extra-chromosome? More like extra-awesome! That's why I recently volunteered, on the advice of my damage control team, as an equipment manager for the U.S. Special Olympics bowling squad. At first I wasn't sure how I would feel about polishing other people's balls for a change, but I think those tards really appreciate what I've done for them. Lately they started calling me "Special O."

More here from ‘Hawk.



And this guy? He knew the way to a fair lady's heart was to convince her that those "goofy bastards are the best thing" he's got going.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

On stimulus, very large numbers and blatant double-standards.


PALO ALTO, CA - An international mathematics research team announced today that they had discovered a new integer that surpasses any previously known value "by a totally mindblowing shitload." Project director Yujin Xiao of Stanford University said the theoretical number, dubbed a "stimulus," could lead to breakthroughs in fields as diverse as astrophysics, quantum mechanics, and Chicago asphalt contracting.

More here from Iowahawk

How galling is it that Chuckie Rangel, pictured here with Nancy Pelosi and 3 other dudes we don’t recognize, who can’t see his way clear to paying his fair share of taxes is front and center at this stimuloid photo op? Apparently, not very. Say nice things about an old man on his birthday and you’re drummed-out of your Senate leadership post. Fail to pay taxes or accept sweet heart home loan deals and you suddenly attain some sort of absolute moral authority on Capitol Hill and bizarrely enough, aquire the role of “reformer” in attempts to legislate our way out of this mess.

And here’s Rahmbo on a tactical mistake in campaigning for the stimulus bill:

Mr. Emanuel owned up to one mistake: message. What he called the outside game slipped away from the White House last week, when the president and others stressed bipartisanship rather than job creation as they moved toward passing the measure. White House officials allowed an insatiable desire in Washington for bipartisanship to cloud the economic message a point coming clear in a study being conducted on what went wrong and what went right with the package, he said.

That’s what went wrong?

It was actually a shrewd move by the President, in our opinion. We don't think the passage of the bill was ever really in doubt so why not extend an olive branch, even if it was entirely symbolic and not backed by anything of substance, to smear the Republicans as "obstructionists" at a later date which is exactly what happened.

And given what all went down the past week or so, we wonder if this bill is the President’s or Pelosi’s?

Finally, B-Daddy is absolutely stoked about porkulus and shares his thoughts as to why, here.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Alone in the wilderness no longer


Our tireless campaign to see Princess appointed to the New York Senate seat has been an uphill and seemingly exclusive effort…. until now. We appear to have picked up an ally from a very unlikely corner of the blogosphere.

Buenos dias! I am Rosa. I twelve years work for Senora Caroline Kennedy and her family so I am write for you today to tell you why Senora Kennedy is make very very good senator for Nueva York. Senora Kennedy is very busy now with party menus so she tell me to write this when I am finish with floors and make the bed for guest wing. I am now finish so I write this.

Senora Kennedy is very very sad that television man say he no think she is make a good senator in Washington. This is not right for you to think this too because Senora Kennedy is make very good senator! Here is the reasons:


Read all about them, here.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Another 5-year plan failure

We were ten minutes south of San Clemente when the putrid green daisy walls of the van started closing in. I recall the fat four-eyed lesbian sweater girl saying something like "are you okay, Mr. Duke? We've got a mystery to solve..." when suddenly the gullet of the garish chartreuse steel beast began to spasm, as if a digestive track readying itself to vomit. I began clawing at my hamstrings and when I turned my head I was looking into the irridescent eyes of a grotesque animal screeching "Ruh Roh! Ruh Roh!" in a hoarse irritating dog-accented gibberish. That's when it things began to turn weird.


Iowahawk, the interweb tubes most brilliant satirist is celebrating its 5th anniversary in the most bold and unabashedly narcissistic manner possible. Click on over where ‘hawk spins 25 of his greatest hits including a Scooby Doo episode starring Hunter S. Thompson that didn’t quite see the light of day.

Monday, December 8, 2008

A couple of Jon Gruden's friends would like to wish you a Merry Christmas


As of this posting, “Chucky” and his Tampa Bay Buccaneers are locked up in a tight one, 10-10, against the Carolina Panthers (ooops…. Make that 17-10 as our man-crush on Steve Smith continues to blossom).


So, if you’re thinking that Kenny and Corky aren’t your idea of Holiday cheer, there’s more where that came from at Anorak’s 20 Best (?) Christmas Album Covers Ever.


H/T: Iowahawk
















































































Tuesday, December 2, 2008

One can only blame the IT department for so much.

What…? They didn’t get the memo?

B-Daddy reminds us that the humane treatment of prisoners, the potential closing of Gitmo, the withdrawal pact with Iraq, our next President over whom the world will swoon, etc., etc. matters not to some people. Read more here.