(Uh-oh. Ol' boy's got a chip on his shoulder that he's about to unload)
Good day, you lot of libation lovers, how the heck are ya? Well I can tell you that today I’m feeling rather sassy, and I’m going to put the “Big Three” on blast. If you don’t know, the “Big Three” are Coors, Miller, and Budweiser and they are evil, evil companies that are looking to destroy beer in every sense. Yes, you hate them, whether you know it or not.
Triple Hops Brewed
Oh Miller, and your coy marketing ploy, how you make me smile. Really? Triple hops brewed? You guys are just adorable. I don’t even know if the higher-ups at Miller even know what hops are but they have put together this marketing “strategy” where they claim that their beer has been brewed with three times the hops. I believe, however, comma, your beer still tastes like s**t. I am being completely serious when I say that there is no other beer out there that I will NOT drink (that I’ve tried). This beer is so terrible that I’d rather drink a pint of Tabasco sauce than down one of these disgusting brews. And triple hops brewed? You might as well tell me that my cigarette smoking cures cancer. I mean seriously, I think these guys are high. There is nothing hoppy about this beer, only dirty and bland it is. And they are now part of the Coors family which makes them even cooler, right?
As Cold as the Rockies
Excuse me, but isn’t that up to me? Isn't your marketing ploy something that the proprietor is in charge of? When you have to tell the customer that your beverage has to kill every last bit of what it is to enjoy, doesn’t that take away from it a little? This absolutely kills me. I mean who came up with this direction? I can just imagine the meeting where some pip-squeek out of Harvard is smoking weed in his one bedroom condo and says to himself “Ya, man! This beer only tastes good cold. Go with that!” And the fact that Coors Light is the second most popular beer in the world only proves their strategy right. I will admit, if I’m hung over and in need of water, Coors Light is absolutely the beer that I’m going for. Especially, if the mountains have turned blue.
What the hell does that even mean? Drinkability? So what? I can consume it without coming down with Herpes? Nice! I honestly have no clue what the pitch was when Budweiser decided to go with “drinkability” because that simply means that you CAN drink their product. I want taste, flavor, something interesting, not something that I can just consume. But hell, Bud Light IS the most popular beer in the world, so whatever they're doing is working. Congrats, Bud, you guys Charlie Sheen this life.
The Least Interesting Man in the World
“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do I prefer Dos Equis.” So let me get this straight; your advertising idea is to tell people that you don’t often consume the product that you’re selling? OOOOOOOKKKKAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!! “I don’t often eat food, but when I do, I prefer Cup-O-Noodles.” You steal that and I’m suing. How on God’s green Earth is this a good idea? How do you sell a product that you rarely consume and don’t always enjoy when you do have that product? I don’t always drink beer… so sometimes you drink whisky? But when I do, I prefer Dos Esquis…. So you will drink other beers? Unbelievable! I actually like the commercials, but think that this is the dumbest way to advertise a product in the history of advertising. OK, maybe Taco Bell wins the terrible commercial contest, but Dos Equis wins for the worst description of your product? AHHHHHHH!!!! How stupid do they think…. I’m sorry… are we Americans?!?!?!?!? Blah!
OK, off the high-horse for now… but don’t get used to it. I’ll see you beautiful people next week with the fourth of my top ten. The following weeks will be my trip to Karl Strauss’ 22nd Anniversary Party, then the next Hoffer’s Brewery Tour. If you need any info about any of these events, wanna know how to jump on board the brewery tour, or have any questions or comments feel free to email me at email@example.com, facebook me, or hit me up in the comments section below.
Until next time my beer loving brethren, have a beer for me.
(ed. note: We also really enjoy the Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World" series of commericals and do quite enjoy their Amber Lager.)