Thursday, October 20, 2011

MAXED OUT: Pet Peeves

Max warned us last Friday this was coming. He needed to get a few things off his chest, so oblige the lad, won't you.

What’s the haps my party people? Welcome back and thanks for
joining. I’m feelin’ a lil’, how do you say, FEISTY today! It’s a
gloomy Wednesday afternoon and I am about to get crazy up in this
joint. Today’s topic is my personal pet peeves when it comes to bars.

I’ve talked about what tics me off when it comes to how people act
whilst at bars, and order, and actually tend said establishments but
today ima going to talk about the actual patrons that attend these places.
This might actually be a two parter seeing as though I have A LOT of
people that piss me off at bars. Ok, you ready? Let’s do this!

I don’t know that I can put these in any particular order, seeing as
though I despise most of the rejects equally, but I know that people
that bring dogs into bars drive me absolutely crazy. They drive me
ABSOLUTELY CRAZY!!!!!! I know people love their dogs like they’re
their children (foreshadowing) but guess what…. I DON’T! If you bring some stupid little rat-looking chihuaha in your purse, fine. Just
keep it in your bag, Paris Hilton.

But these people that bring their
Labradors or Hounds to bars should be tarred and feathered. Are they
spending money? No. Are you buying them a drink? No. Are they
driving your drunk asses home? No. Then why the hell are they taking
up valuable real-estate? WHY? What chaps my hide more than bringing your stupid drool monkey to a bar? When they aren’t on a LEASH?!?! Are you hiiiiiiigh? I mean, come on. That’s just completely
inconsiderate. I don’t care if it’s inside or outside, dogs just do
NOT belong in bars. Ever. NEVER EVER!!!!!

I’d promise to calm down and stop shouting at you, but I don’t want
to lie to you. So the second thing that drives me crazy at bars is
KIDS!!!! Holy crap, should these parents be blind folded and beaten to
death with wiffle ball bats? I don’t care if some place serves food,
if it is primarily known as a bar (The Neighborhood and Toronado to
name a couple) and/or there is a door man at ANY point then please
call a baby sitter. A quick little anecdote for y’all. My friends
and I went to a game down at Petco Park a couple of months ago and
after the game, we all went to this bar and pizza place nearby.

I can’t remember the name of the place nor does it matter because it
sucks, so don’t worry about it. Well, there is a bouncer at the door
checking everyone’s IDs, we’re drinking, playing pool, eating pizza,
ya know, spending money when all of the sudden, this couple walks in. With them they have a stroller with TRIPLETS around a year old.
AAAAAAAAAND a six year old. Well, my friend and I go outside for a
smoke when the six year old walks over and starts squirting us with a
squirt gun. I love kids, so I play along and have fun with it.
That’s when my friend Loren comes out. Uh oh. So the kid walks up to Loren and gives him three straight shots right in the face. I lose it
because I know the wrath that is about to be unleashed on this kids
parents. I’ll just summarize the conclusion for you and tell you that
the phrase “put him on a leash” was used, and Loren was not allowed
back inside. But I have to admit, while I had fun with it, that kid
should not have been allowed in and probably should have been on some
kind of a leash. It was right after a game, right by the ballpark,
and there were a lot of drunk people there. Not OK. Oh, and if you
DO bring your kid to a place like that, please don’t ask me to put my
cigarette out. I will blow smoke in your and their faces. So the
moral of the story? DON’T BRING YOUR KIDS TO BARS!!!! Stupid.

Next on the list, and probably Deano’s topper are people that order
WATER!!! Holy crap, if you order water at a bar you’d better be the
DD. Otherwise I’m taking a sock full of nails and giving you a clean
swipe across the face. If you go to The Neighborhood for the food,
you’re a tool and should probably have your drinking rights taken
away. I absolutely HATE those people. I’m sorry, did you need some
water with your truffle popcorn? So that’s bad, right? But when Dean
told me about the time that he couldn't get a seat at Alpine Brew Co
because there were a bunch of bicyclists that had made a pit stop for
some tasty grub I almost lost it. This is valuable real-estate
people! So you spandex wearin’ jagoffs decide to stop off at
ALPINE?!?!?... I’m honestly having a hard time with my words right now
because only cuss words are coming to my mind. So just imagine a ton
of expletives laced throughout this paragraph. And if you DO ride
your bicycle as a hobby, more power to ya. I think that that’s
awesome and I’m jealous of your moxy. Just stay the hell out of
Alpine Brew Co. Take your mammal toes elsewhere.

While I have a ton of other people that should just fall off of the
planet, I will end this tirade with one last group. People that wear
their sunglasses inside should automatically have cyanide pills
slipped into their drinks.

I do have to say that this category does not SOLELY include people that wear sunglasses inside. If you can
IMAGINE someone wearing sunglasses inside, cyanide it is. You know
the type, the Jersey Shore looking idiots. The guys that wear
sleeveless shirts in winter with torn jeans and snake skin shoes. Yeah,
those troglodytes. You know, the guys that order WATER WITH CUCUMBER
IN IT!!!! Or cosmopolitans! I want to stab them with a spoon. In
their manginas! What? Too far? I think not, my friends, THEY go too

Phew, thank God that’s over. I was starting to get a little hot
under the collar. So who irks you when they show up at bars? And
don’t say smokers. I don’t need/want to hear it. Drinking and
smoking is like peas and carrots. Abbott and Costello. Beer and
pretzels. Deal.

Until next time my beer loving brethren, have a beer for me.

(ed. note: OK, everyone just take a deep breath. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Just to clarify: we have no problem with water drinkers, per se. However, as the real estate adage goes: location, location, location. If you are at one of the most phenomenal beer locales on the planet and which also has very limited seating as is the case with the tap room at Alpine Beer Co. and you order water, you are in gross violation of all that is good, proper and decent.... Oh, and this probably isn't the greatest of timing but we and Max are thinking about having a Beers with Demo meet-up with Dean and Max sometime in November. Shooting for Saturday, November 19th later in the afternoon. Where? Pizza Port Ocean Beach... because it's kid-friendly, of course.)


Harrison said...

I was at some bar in the Gas Lamp district and at 6pm they took our bar stools away, made us take off our hats, and told us it was nightclub time.

That was my peeve.

Dean said...

Did they then charge you a cover charge? I've seen that before and, of course, left and never went back to the place.

Harrison said...

No we got there during "bar time."

The guy actually said:

It's nightclub time now.

I was like... WTF?

My favorite place to go in SD is the Catalina Lounge.

I'll buy you a beer next time I'm there.

SarahB said...

I'm probably one of those people you'd hate because I don't drink and I'm never really sure what the ordering ediquette is. But here's my pet peeve...bars that have NOTHING besides 7-up or soda water if you don't want a brew. I'm trying to spend my money while being a good DD, so for God's sake, could someone please add a few sodas to the fountain?

And I promise, my kids will not be in tow on the 19th...even if it is a pizza joint. Mommy wants to actually enjoy herself, thank you very much.

Dean said...

Sarah, remember, water is cool if you don't drink and/or you are the DD.

A group of people at a place like Alpine where EVERYONE orders water should be a punishable offense.

SarahB said...

Just seems like a lost opportunity to sell more...but if a bar only want water on DD menu, their loss.

Packs of bicyclists tend to ruin any place they decend a cloud of arrogant locusts smuggly contaminating the venue with B.O. and man-camel-toe (shudder). Sorry, W.C., you are the exception, not the rule.

Dean said...

W.C. peddles his ass off literally across SD county... and then knocks back a few beers. Dude's a stud!

SarahB said...

And I saw him try to pick a fight with a guy twice his size over Meg Whitman's prop 23 pack cyclist would ever have the balls to try that...even with his spandex possy to back him up.

Maxed Out said...

First of all, Sarah, I hope to see you and the rugrats on the 19th. The video games should tell you that kids are allowed. And Harrison. When a place says that hats are disallowed I say NAY to that place. On the next list of pet peeves. Oh, and once again to Sarah, sorry about the 7up and soda water. Next time TRY A BEER!!!! 95% of beer is comprised of..........

SarahB said...

Max, hope to be able to make it and see everyone. I try to keep an open mind about beer, but until they can make one taste like a fruity coctail, I'm not getting my hopes up ;)

Mutnodjmet said...

I hate bicyclists. And, I am with Sarah on the fruity cocktails. :)